cigarbribery | maskormenace ic contact

Yeah, it's called client-attorney privilege. I'm legally not allowed to divulge anything you tell me in confidence.

What's up?

Okay, so. So, okay, I've committed a murder.

Please tell me you're joking.

Odin.

You're kidding me right?

Foggy. I am one hundred percent both totally and completely serious. I am as serious as the scarlet sword I plunged so callously into Peter Maximoff's spine. Initial thoughts?

Did you stab your host because as your lawyer I really can't see a way out of this for you that doesn't end in jail and also disappointing a ton of people, me included. He's going to come back, you know that, right?

Goddammit, Odin.

[do u feel bad yet DO U

Because Foggy's thinking back, suddenly, to Matt again—that first, horrible, awful moment when he'd peeled the Devil's mask back, to see his friend underneath. He'd thought he knew Matt, up until then. He thought—

God fucking dammit.]

Okay, well. Okay, well, plot twist, I'm lying.

[ he feels real fucking bad oh my god ]

But I do need your help. And I needed to make sure you had my back. And I'm, like, 5000% sure you don't, now that you want to imprison me for murder. Which. Which, actually, like, Which actually seems like the right thing to do, in this particular circumstance. Which leads me to believe that this was a bit of a poor test and maybe put a strain on our relationship for a second there, because of course you'd be disappointed in me, of course you'd do the right thing. It's why I'm low-key in love with you. You're a beacon in the night; a guiding lighthouse, a star in the velvet heavens that shows all of us what's worth fighting for. Ugh. Ugh. I love you.

I am so mad at you right now you made me open a law book.

It's too late at night for me to do anything but sleep.

I'm happy you didn't kill anyone though! And I do have your back in all things non-murder-related. I'd have your back even if you murdered someone, honestly, but like. I would be a lot angrier at you.

Thanks. Sometimes you frustrate me but most of the time I'm happy to be your friend. (I mean, not right now. I'm still a little disappointed in you for new reasons this time.)

[He sighs, and shuts his laptop, swivels around a little in his chair. It's a very nice office chair. He likes it very much, even if it leaks stuffing and makes a weird squeaking noise sometimes.]

What happened, anyway? I don't think you'd text me at this time unless you thought it was important.

I've. I've miscalculated and now I feel too guilty to talk to you. I'm the worst. Why are you friends with me? Don't be friends with me. I can't believe I was like, yo, I'm gonna try to be nicer!, and then I was like, yo, I murdered someone I love or whatever.

[ odin doesn't have an office chair, but he does have a very spongy bed, which he flops down onto on his stomach, kicking his legs back and forth in the air behind him. havin' fun. ]

But also, so anyway. I broke the contract I signed for the show? It turns out that I'm dating someone who isn't a contestant which is definitely not allowed. So I'm thinking, like, assassination plot? Kill everyone who would hold me liable and take away all my money if they found out about this. Especially Debra. She's a producer. She's super bossy and doesn't like me. She'll be the first to die.

Too late, you're stuck with me now.

[And he will basically run after Odin for like, ever, shouting about contracts and laws and shit. Speaking of contracts, he stares at the next part of the message. Does this mean he wins the betting pool? Holy shit. If his hunch is right he wins the betting pool.

He's gonna buy a golden office chair with plush velvet!! One that can spin without squeaking!!!]

Okay, no assassination plots. Debra doesn't hate you, man, she just wants to do her job.

But also, protip: couples that get together on camera on a reality show tend not to last a long while. Just pick someone who's fine with breaking up with you in a month or two and you're all set.

A month or two??? That's so much time! THAT'S. SO MUCH. TIME. Oh my godddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd just let me kill everyoneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

[ he flops around in his bed like a shitty dying fish until he feels like foggy hasn't betrayed him. ]

Okay, though. Okay. Fake winner. That makes sense. Keep me from getting sued or whatever it is that happens when you do a bad thing to a contract. It has been a good couple of days. Hey, are you and Piper still a thing?

The break-up has to look natural! If you split too early people will think something's up, and the network will definitely attempt to sue you for breach of contract if they figure out you started dating someone not a contestant during the show.

Which they will if you don't give it time.

[He's just going to ignore the "kill everyone" bit, he's mostly used to this by now. It's an exaggeration. He hopes.]

Getting sued is what usually happens when you break a contract, yeah.

Piper and I are still a thing, yeah! We're both kinda busy but we're still a thing.

[and then TEN SECONDS LATER:]

Sooooooo.

Who's the lucky guy? Or girl. Or person.

It's not Debra, is it? She reminds me of my professor for Advanced Criminal Law, his midterms were a slaughterhouse. Please don't let it be Debra.

SOCIETY DOESN"t UndERsTADNAD loVE

[ he kicks around in bed for a while. heng ]

Okay, well, first, promise you'll tell me if you and Piper break up so I can dump my dude and swoop on in when that happens. Second.

[ there's a delay, followed a few minutes later with-- ]

I definitely can't tell you. I definitely promised I'd keep it between the two of us. I definitely would need you to swear yourself to secrecy and vow that anything I were to tell you would be treated with the same sort of ironclad privacy you would treat a legitimate murder confession. I definitely can't answer any questions like "is it a dude and does his name start with a consonant or a vowel" or anything. I definitely can't hypothetically answer that by saying his name definitely starts with a consonant. I definitely cPeter It's pEter Peter

ps: stop making me think of Debra in any kind of romantic context? I hate it. Demons don't know love. Especially not demons who probably sold their shitty black hearts for like ten minutes alone with a sickly child just so she could make fun of them to their face. That's her. That's Debra. "ten minutes until makeup, odin!" TNE MITNEUS UN TIL I PUNCH YOUR DICK OFf dEBRA

You're the guy on the reality show dedicated to finding love and you only just now figured that out?

I think your dude would despise me forever if you did that so let's hold off on consoling my hypothetical future broken heart.

[holy shit.]

[H O L Y S H I T.]

[STICKING HIS HEAD OUT THE WINDOW OF HIS OFFICE AND SHRIEKING INTO THE NIGHT:]

I win the betting pool!

Sorry, had to answer a call for a minute there.

It's safe with me. Legally speaking, I'm not allowed to tell anyone anyway until you come out with it. Again, client-attorney privilege: I can't say anything to anyone even if I wanted to.

[And then a minute later:]

She's not a demon, Odin, she's just a woman doing her job. I will, however, accept the argument that she might have a shark as an ancestor somewhere.

[ Foggy yells into the night about the glorious influx of riches that will soon spinny-chair the fuck out of his office and Odin spends those two minutes kicking petulantly in bed and praying for death. Is this how it ends? Is this how his final curtain falls? Not with a bang, but with a scandal. He's halfway through planning his escape plan to Venezuela when Foggy hits him back. ]

Okay, well. Okay. Debra's made of sharks. The ancient hag is a shark-witch. I agree with that. And. I think I would have told you about all of this even if you weren't my lawyer? You've always had my best interests at heart and I trust you a lot, like. In general. So... if I were going to tell anybody about this, it makes sense that it would be you? I think. I don't know. But. Okay. Thanks. I think. Is my point. Thank you. For listening. And. Reassuring me. And. I'll pick a contestant and crown them the winner and break up with them later and... and yeah. Yeah. Okay. I can do this. Man, my love life has been stupidly complicated and melodramatic for about seven months now.

She's very scary and I think some of her shark ancestors passed on their bloodlust to her.

[Which he's never saying out loud to anyone ever, but there you go, Debra does kind of scare Foggy a little bit.

He blinks at the rest of the message, and smiles a little to himself as he sits back down in his chair, huffing out a laugh. Yeah, he knows what complicated love lives are like, he's just glad that he's never had anything more complicated than Marci. (Matt doesn't count here, obviously, because Foggy is of the belief that nothing could out-complicate Matt Murdock, Lawyer-Slash-Vigilante.)]

Thanks. Really. For what it's worth, even if you weren't my client and you told me this anyway, I wouldn't tell a soul.

You can do this! It's only a month, tops.

That's what happens when you're on reality TV, buddy. Your stupidly complicated and melodramatic love life is exactly why people are tuning in.

Also, I need to know for reasons: when did you guys get it together? How? Who made out with who first? What was it LIKE kissing him? [Now that the time of crisis has passed, Foggy's just going to do what he's always done and ask for details, like a teenage girl who's just found out her best friend made out with her crush after years of putting up with her pining.]

[ There'll be time to talk shit about Debra later - probably on his blog, which will probably end in a libel suit, which will probably end in him paying Foggy way too much money to make it all go away - but gossip takes priority. ]

Psh. Pffft. PFfshfshfshfsh. PFSHFSFSFPSDFSPFDFHFPPDFSHSHSHSHHH. You can't just ask what it's like to kiss someone. That's illegal. You're breaking the law. Ten laws. I'll have you disbarred.

[ odin types something, odin backspaces, odin types something, odin backspaces. type backspace type backspace type backspace. those little user is typing dots are getting quite the workout. ]

Do you really wanna hear about. About. That? All that? That stuff. Because. I know I'll just end up going on and on about how much I like him and you'll get super bored super fast.

I'm so proud of you for learning what "disbarred" means.

[So. Proud.]

Uh, yeah? I ask all my friends about this kind of stuff. I want to hear about how happy he's making you.

Happy in general by the way. But I hope he's making you happy in the bedroom way too, because if not I don't have any Cosmopolitan magazines I can pass him.

I looked it up!! I'm trying to find out all the ways you might lose your job so I don't accidentally make it happen. I'm pretty much the most considerate person in the whole wide world.

[ he doesn't know what Cosmopolitan magazines are, but from context, he assumes it's porn? and, well. he doesn't believe for a second that foggy doesn't have porn. he seems like a porn guy. odin doesn't share this thought, but haha, yeah, okay. okay, foggy. sure. ]

Ugh, you're gonna make me cry. I love you so much. I can't believe you're the same guy who tried to decapitate me after I egged your house. I've only been dating him for like thirty seconds and I already know all his gross and terrible kinks, so it's going pretty well. And. I love him. For real. More than I thought was possible. I didn't think I could feel like this? After Poe. But, like - it's Peter. It's always been Peter. I've known him since pretty much the day I was ported in, and we've been doing stuff like holding hands and being there for each other even when we've shut out the rest of the world for as long as I can remember. Kissing him is kind of like kissing a really fidgety and gangly and angry horse? It's like punching someone's lips with your own lips and then getting a feelings-based concussion because of the impact. Does that make sense? All heavy and stupid. I don't know. He's the best. We got together on Valentine's day. Which I think is pretty great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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cigarbribery - 2018-03-14 09:32 (UTC) - Expand

maskormenace ic contact

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text y r u like this

text aS EVER FOGGY DESERVES BETTER

text this is not false

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text, 1/2

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text ...... 2/2 surprise

YELLS 1/UM. GIVE ME A SEC.

2/???

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4/6 maybe????

5/6 PROBABLY

6/6 DONE

blows dust off thread whats up

wheres my starbucks latte binch

throws it on the ground and does a kickflip wHATs Up

nO MY LATTE

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